I'm back in the Bloggersphere!

In case you hadn’t had enough of my incessant status updates, sarcastic comments and annoying commentary, I’ve decided to become a more frequent blogger. Lucky you! There are lots of reasons for this and I’ll share them with you now:

1. I just really want to be that person who says: “This is SO going in my blog!”

2. Well, I’m a writer, so why not have something to show for it?

3. I’ve been told (countless times) that I talk too much at work (sorry people I work with), so now I'll redirect some of my meaningless chatter into typed word and immortalise my nonsense… forever.

4. I always lose pens meaning keeping a physical journal is not an option for me right now.

5. I do everything in the hope that I’ll someday be ‘discovered’. Surely someone with lots of money will stumble upon my blog and hail me the voice of my generation, catapulting me into stardom, or at least, like, want me to help them ghost write their autobiography.

So there you go. There are now even more places where you can laugh at my expense and if I win this freelance erotic short story writer deal on freelancer.com, I’ll be sure to post the link to that as well.

But seriously now. Not that I couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t/won’t/don’t write that sort of stuff, but how do people do it, publish it and then attempt to carry on professional/familial relationships of any kind?

Unlike most people in the world, I have not yet read Fifty Shades of Grey (I just feel that I can gain the same experience from five minutes on Redtube as I would for the hours that reading this book – not to mention its two sequels – requires).

Having said that, I have read excerpts and I can’t help but wonder (excuse my Carrie Bradshaw-esque rhetoric) - how the hell does this woman present this book to her parents? How does she show up at the office or meet up with friends without every single one of them wondering if she has copped it like her character? And her poor husband. He has just released his very own book and is currently on a worldwide media dash, yet surely each and every person who speaks to him will be wondering, if not flat out asking, if this sadomasochistic Christian Grey fella is inspired by his sickening bedroom misbehaviours. If not, what is his wife getting/not getting that is inspiring this sort of erotic offering to the world? (The more I type, the more I realise that I absolutely need to read this book.)

Not that there is anything wrong with writing erotic tails, I mean, 'sex sells' as the old adage goes, and of course the research would be enjoyable, but I’d really like to meet this person who made her fortune by trying and succeeding in avoiding using the word penis or cock too many times in a sentence, and who singlehandedly increased US infidelity rates by 50 per cent – according to statisticsoninfidelity.com, if you can even believe that such a website exists. Apparently this is the go-to book for women wanting to turn their vanilla sex lives into triple-choc-chip-with-a-tobasco-swirl-and-a-shot-of-tequila-on-the-side sex lives. Well I don’t know about you, but I always do my tequila shots near the bathroom in case they make me sick. You can take whatever you want from that.